Your Relationship & Your Health
Written by Debra Kirchhof-Glazier
June is the month of weddings, and by now the newlyweds of 2008 have experienced one month of what will hopefully be a life-long, positive relationship. Those who have been with their partners, married or not, for a longer time will attest that the quality of the relationship affects their quality of life and their overall health and wellness.
On the positive side, there is nothing like sharing your life with a person who values and respects you and who supports you in a positive monogamous relationship. On the down side, there is also nothing like living with someone who is domineering or demeaning and who fails to set boundaries in a multitude of ways. The truth is that every relationship has its positive and negative aspects. Although the “happily ever after” ride into the sunset is an idealistic fantasy, it is important that both partners remain conscious of the ideal and work to cultivate the positives. The benefits will be far-reaching.
Relationships characterized by chronic stress not only make life less enjoyable, they are also hard on your health. Studies have shown that negative interactions are linked to high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, and decreased elasticity of the arteries. Hostility also weakens the immune system, decreasing the function of natural killer cells and the rate of wound healing. Relationship stress has been shown to be as detrimental to your health as social isolation, poor nutrition, or lack of exercise. Interestingly, women seem to be hit harder than men. Several research studies have shown that women experience stronger hormonal, cardiovascular, and immunological reactions in response to stressful relationships than men do.
The good news is that something can be done about it, hopefully within the relationship. In the May 2008 issue of Bottom Line Health, Dr. Theodore Robles, Assistant Professor of Health Psychology at UCLA, discussed some physiological responses to conflict and outlined some excellent suggestions to help improve your relationship- and your health. Hopefully these suggestions, and some useful conflict resolution techniques outlined below, will help you cultivate a healthy relationship.
The first suggestion is to break the tension. Ohio State University researchers studying newlyweds during a 30 minute discussion of sensitive marital issues found that the blood levels of stress hormones in women decreased during the discussion if one or both partners were supportive, even if the discussion became heated. Although hormone levels of the men did not change, supportive discussions have other benefits for them. Accepting responsibility for one’s actions and acknowledging the other person’s feelings, as well as focusing on the problem rather than the person from a win-win perspective, will go far in easing the tension and stress.
The second suggestion is to watch your words. Everyone has their emotional triggers, and those who live with someone soon get to know what these are. In this regard, most men get extremely defensive when their competency or skills are challenged, and it shows up in increased heart rate and blood pressure. The same message can be conveyed in different ways, and the more supportive way is usually more effective in producing the desired outcome. Using “I” statements can be a powerful tool for making your point. For example, rather than saying, “Why can’t you find a job?” you could say, “I feel bad that you are having trouble finding a job.” The empathy that this type of communication conveys can open up a productive discussion. It is also important to remember that it is not always what you say but how you say it that makes the difference.
Although you need to watch your words, it is also important to speak your mind. A study of 192 older couples showed that when both partners habitually stifled themselves to avoid conflict, the rate at which both of them died was about four times higher than those who were more communicative. Interestingly, another study of 2,000 married couples showed that women who reported regularly stifling themselves during marital conflict were also four times more likely than outspoken wives to die during a ten year period. Apparently, open communication is not only good for self-expression and self-esteem, it can also prolong your life.
A fourth suggestion is to trust your partner’s view of you. A study of 300 middle-aged and older couples showed that there was no correlation between self-reported levels of anger and antagonism on calcium build-up in the coronary arteries. On the other hand, there was a positive correlation for spouses whose partners rated them as highly hostile or antagonistic. The bottom line is that, as irritating as it may be, it is a good idea to pay attention to your partner’s observations of our behavior. They may be doing you and your relationship a big favor by pointing out a trait that you can change to your mutual benefit.
The final suggestion is to relax. A study of couples discussing their relationships showed that women whose levels of stress hormones were higher before the discussion were more likely to be critical, defensive, or hostile during the encounter, which fed into the problem and raised stress hormones even more. It is important for both partners to carve out a time on a regular basis to relax and do something positive. This can involve cultivating your own personal outlets or finding something you enjoy doing with your partner, such as a hobby, exercising together, or enjoying the company of mutual friends. The effects will benefit both of you and make tackling stressful topics more productive.
In summary, a healthy relationship is an essential ingredient for a happy home and heart. May you keep yours alive and well.
The Huntingdon Health and Wellness Association makes no medical claims or recommendations. Check with your doctor about your specific health care needs.